Correspondence With a Thief
by Katty008
Summary: Long-distance relationships can be both surprisingly tough and surprisingly easy. And sometimes they're surprisingly ridiculous. Or, Arsène pisses people off and Ellery takes the fall, repeatedly and across oceans. Arsene Lupin/Ellery Queen hints.
1. World Trip

**Disclaimer: I don't own Ellery Queen or Arsène Lupin.**

**Follows up on "Felons, Skulls, and Gratuitous French" and "Frenemies and Foe Yay, Differences Between". A story in email form_._ References the Inspector Queen duology and therefore Jessie Sherwood in all her awesomeness. Who I feel I really didn't do justice to, because she actually wouldn't do some, or at least one, of the things she does in this fic. But hey, it's fanfiction.**

**MASSIVE number of references to other fandoms ahead! This is a modern AU of famous detectives, remember?**

**

* * *

**

To: jai_un_detective  
From: king_of_logic  
Subject: World Trip

I'm bored. Thinking of taking a sojourn into the world, picking the case files of various police agencies. Should I stop by France?

To: king_of_logic  
From: jai_un_detective  
Subject: Re: World Trip

You know what I think of that idea. Forget the world, just hole up with me for a couple months.

To: jai_un_detective  
From: king_of_logic  
Subject: Re: World Trip

Somehow, I can't see that being a good idea. For one thing, I'd go stir crazy. The whole point of a trip so I'm not bored is to find complicated crimes to pick apart. You provide the complicated part, but I don't really _want_ to pick apart your crimes. But I will stop by for a week to make you happy.

To: king_of_logic  
From: jai_un_detective  
Subject: Re: World Trip

I'm going to convince you otherwise once you get here.

To: jai_un_detective  
From: king_of_logic  
Subject: Re: World Trip

Uh-huh. But just speaking hypothetically, if you didn't and I were to continue on, where would you recommend? You've done far more traveling than me. Is London still off-limits?

To: king_of_logic  
From: jai_un_detective  
Subject: Re: World Trip

Well... no. You can dig your own grave if you'd like. But let me know ahead of time so I can set up surveillance. If this happens I'm going to want it on tape. Actually, now that I think about it... yeah, definitely go to London, and tell me when you'll be there, where you'll be staying, who you'll be meeting with, etcetera.

But do stay away from Japan. Weird things happen in Japan. Weird things that are probably right up your alley, and you'd never leave the place again and never again come running to my arms. So stay away from Japan, because I want to see you again someday. Oh, and there's this one guy, I can't remember his name. He's some sort of secret agent or something, does a lot of traveling. Anyway, death and destruction follow him around like puppies, so if you run into him get the hell out. There's like three degrees of separation between him and my crazy ex, so if he thinks he can get away with it he might try to kill you. Or at least save someone else first.

Other than that, no real recommendations. I'm sure my kind of contacts are not the kind you're looking for. I hear Brussels is nice.

To: jai_un_detective  
From: king_of_logic  
Subject: Re: World Trip

Stalker. And how can I stay away from this guy if I don't even know his name? I'll be in Paris on the 19th, meet me at the airport.

To: king_of_logic  
From: jai_un_detective  
Subject: Re: World Trip

I remember now! It's Bond, James Bond. Stay away from him! He's so cursed his wife didn't even make the honeymoon, poor bastard.

* * *

To: jai_un_detective  
From: king_of_logic  
Subject: Big News

Dad's getting married.

To: king_of_logic  
From: jai_un_detective  
Subject: Re: Big News

… What?

To: jai_un_detective  
From: king_of_logic  
Subject: Re: Big News

Tell me about it.

To: king_of_logic  
From: jai_un_detective  
Subject: Re: Big News

Geez, you leave him alone for two months...

All kidding aside, where are you? When's the wedding? And most importantly, _what the hell is going on?_

To: jai_un_detective  
From: king_of_logic  
Subject: Re: Big News

Three, you leave him alone for nearly three months. As to the answers to your questions, I'm currently in a Turkish airport waiting for my flight, I assume I'll learn the date once I get back to New York, and _I haven't a clue_. And I don't think this is going to end well, no.

To: king_of_logic  
From: jai_un_detective  
Subject: Re: Big News

Come on, have a little faith in your old man. I'm sure he knows what he's doing. And just in case he doesn't I'll come to New York incognito to lend moral support. You know how to contact me.

* * *

To: king_of_logic  
From: jai_un_detective  
Subject: Hey!

Your stepmother-to-be seems sweet. Is she actually evil?

To: jai_un_detective  
From: king_of_logic  
Subject: Re: Hey!

When did you...? Whatever. Yeah, Jessie's a lot different from what I expected. I guess I'm just anxious. I mean, I barely remember my mother and Dad never seemed interested in finding someone else, and then all of a sudden ba-blam! Email from Dad that he's getting married to someone I've never met. I was worried that this was some sort of mid-life crisis that was going to end badly. But they both seem happy, so I'll let sleeping dogs lie for the time being.

To: king_of_logic  
From: jai_un_detective  
Subject: Re: Hey!

How did they meet anyway?

To: jai_un_detective  
From: king_of_logic  
Subject: Re: Hey!

During a case (you probably already guessed that). Some sort of baby-smothering deal? This guy was having an affair and knocked up his lover, so he arranged it so that he and his wife adopted the baby. The wife found out and ended up killing the baby. Tragic, really. Anyway, Jessie was the baby's nurse, you know how rich idiots are, and Dad was doing a bit of snooping. She started snooping with him, and at the end she snooped out that the only reason he hadn't said anything was because he was feeling sorry for himself, so she asked him to marry her, thus reversing hundreds of years of chivalrous evolution.

To: king_of_logic  
From: jai_un_detective  
Subject: Re: Hey!

Your stepmother-to-be is awesome. Make sure she knows that if she hurts your dad in any way, I'll come down on her like a load of bricks.

To: jai_un_detective  
From: king_of_logic  
Subject: Re: Hey!

Actually, I think from silent consensus that you're now a Queen secret. Also, I don't think Dad would appreciate the sentiment.

* * *

To: jai_un_detective  
From: king_of_logic  
Subject: No one will ever solve your murder

I hate you. So much.

To: king_of_logic  
From: jai_un_detective  
Subject: Re: No one will ever solve your murder

I thought it was a stroke of genius.

To: jai_un_detective  
From: king_of_logic  
Subject: Re: No one will ever solve your murder

I'm pretty sure Dad hates you too by the way, he just hasn't said anything because he doesn't want Jessie to overhear about how her wedding was ruined by an internationally-wanted criminal _for the sole reason that said criminal has a thing for her new husband's errant son!_

To: king_of_logic  
From: jai_un_detective  
Subject: Re: No one will ever solve your murder

Your dad already hated me. When's the honeymoon? I think we should take advantage of having the apartment to ourselves.

To: jai_un_detective  
From: king_of_logic  
Subject: Re: No one will ever solve your murder

_I_ will take advantage of having the apartment to _myself_ to get some writing done! If you're so curious, find out for yourself. _I'm_ still having problems getting my head around the fact that you stole the Pink Panther solely to do _that!_

* * *

To: jai_un_detective  
From: king_of_logic  
Subject: Giggle

Jessie knows. Hell hath no fury like that of a woman scorned. Have fun!

To: king_of_logic  
From: jai_un_detective  
Subject: Re: Giggle

"Giggle"?

Ah well, it was worth the time alone we got during the honeymoon. And the looks on everyone's faces at the wedding were priceless.

To: jai_un_detective  
From: king_of_logic  
Subject: Re: Giggle

That was an ironic giggle. I'm currently crashing on Nikki's couch.

To: king_of_logic  
From: jai_un_detective  
Subject: Re: Giggle

Ouch. And your dad let her kick you out? I've got an idea: leave Miss Porter's couch behind. I've got a nice four-poster that's got room.

To: jai_un_detective  
From: king_of_logic  
Subject: Re: Giggle

Dad happens to agree with her that you as an entity are above and beyond the call of duty. It's only temporary though, and somehow I _don't_ think crashing with you would help matters.

To: king_of_logic  
From: jai_un_detective  
Subject: Re: Giggle

See? Evil stepmother.

To: jai_un_detective  
From: king_of_logic  
Subject: Re: Giggle

Why do I put up with you? She's very sweet, she just hates you _and for good reason_.

To: king_of_logic  
From: jai_un_detective  
Subject: Re: Giggle

Because you love me.

* * *

**Yeah, Jessie almost definitely wouldn't kick Ellery out temporarily over Arsène ruining her wedding. But rule of drama guys! Besides, this was a joint statement by the newlyweds, and they couldn't get to Arsène. Next best thing as a warning. Reviews are adored!**


	2. Skulls

**Disclaimer: I'll just say i don't own any recognizable characters and leave it at that.**

**Started writing more email fic, and figured I might as well keep them all in the same place. This one won't make much sense unless you've read Frenemies and Foe Yay. On the other hand though it only references one extra fandom!**

* * *

To: equeen  
From: sholmes  
Subject: Skull

My name is Sherlock Holmes. You may have heard of me from a mutual acquaintance. I believe you have in your possession my skull. It was taken unlawfully from my flat and I would like it back with all due haste. Thank you.

To: sholmes  
From: equeen  
Subject: Re: Skull

Ah, so you're the crazy ex in London. If you give me your mailing address, I'll send Hugo back once Eveline is once again safely in my window. I will admit, I had my suspicions. I'm sure you understand completely.

To: jai_un_detective  
From: sholmes  
Subject: Fwd: Re: Skull

_I'm_ the crazy ex? One, I'm _not your ex_, and two, you think a guy who gives names to his skull collection is more mentally stable than I?

To: sholmes  
From: jai_un_detective  
Subject: Re: Fwd: Re: Skull

I'm not even going to bother asking how you got this particular email address. And you are so my ex. And Ellery doesn't do absurd amounts of nicotine patches. Also, there was only ever Hugo and Eveline.

To: equeen  
From: sholmes  
Subject: Re: Skull

The name is Horatio.

To: jai_un_detective  
From: sholmes  
Subject: Re: Fwd: Re: Skull

Simple. _I know you_. I know that you are fiercely territorial and like marking what is yours. Since you technically can't do that publicly even though you've already done a rather magnificent job of it, you'll do it in the email address created for the sole purpose of conversing with him. From there it was simple.

I stand my ground on the fact that we were never dating. And your friend instead does absurd amounts of thief. Don't think I don't know.

To: jai_un_detective  
From: king_of_logic  
Subject: Skull

So it turns out that the skull's name was Horatio. You need to tell a guy these things!

To: sholmes  
From: equeen  
Subject: Re: Skull

I like a good bit of Hamlet.

* * *

To: rqueen, glestrade  
From: sholmes  
Subject: FYI

Please see the attached transcript.

To: sholmes  
From: rqueen  
Subject: Re: FYI

Who the hell are you?

To: sholmes  
From: glestrade  
Subject: Re: FYI

Sherlock, I don't care about your lover's spats. Get a new damn skull!

To: rqueen, glestrade  
From: sholmes  
Subject: Re: FYI

But he's a criminal! Get him!

To: sholmes  
From: glestrade  
Subject: Re: FYI

France is a little out of my jurisdiction.

To: equeen  
From: rqueen  
Subject: Fwd: Re: FYI

Ellery, who the hell is this guy?

To: rqueen  
From: equeen  
Subject: Re: Fwd: Re: FYI

I'll take care of it.

To: jai_un_detective  
From: equeen  
Subject: Fwd: Fwd: Re: FYI

gftrr

To: sholmes  
From: jai_un_detective  
Subject: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Re: FYI

Behave, you. Get a new skull, there's plenty no longer in use.

* * *

To: magician_inthe_moonlight  
From: sholmes  
Subject: Job Offer

Can I count on you to perform a delicate matter for me? Something was stolen that was rightfully mine, and I would like it back. Costs paid in full.

To: sholmes  
From: magician_inthe_moonlight  
Subject: Re: Job Offer

I might be interested. What are the details?

To: magician_inthe_moonlight  
From: sholmes  
Subject: Re: Job Offer

The attached transcript should be all the details you need.

To: equeen, jai_un_detective  
From: magician_inthe_moonlight  
Subject: Fwd: Re: Job Offer

GET A ROOM GUYZ!

To: magician_inthe_moonlight  
From: equeen  
Subject: Re: Fwd: Re: Job Offer

This _was_ a room!

To: magician_inthe_moonlight  
From: jai_un_detective  
Subject: Re: Fwd: Re: Job Offer

KUROBA!

To: sholmes  
From: jai_un_detective  
Subject: Fwd: Fwd: Re: Job Offer

SHERLOCK!

To: mholmes  
From: jai_un_detective  
Subject: Fwd: Fwd: Re: Job Offer

Your brother is getting out of hand. Please do something.

* * *

To: sholmes  
From: mholmes  
Subject: Your New Skull

Your new skull is in the mail. Please don't lose this one, I grow tired of dealing with your exes.

To: mholmes  
From: sholmes  
Subject: Re: Your New Skull

He's not my ex!

* * *

**I really probably shouldn't have put Kaito in there, but it was too good an opportunity to pass up. Reviews are adored!**


End file.
